quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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