Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize