she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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