Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
