I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
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