Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
