Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
