But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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