Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I have aggressive nipples.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
