We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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