I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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