Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
and she was petting her beer can
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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