Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
