New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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