I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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