So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
