I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
