my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
