Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
