so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
