I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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