I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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