Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
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