Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
bring money and cleavage
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
