Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize