The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
