If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
