I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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