Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
