I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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