I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
