im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
