I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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