Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
