My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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