i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You dont lie about slip and slides
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
