The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
