i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
