I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
