I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
