just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
