your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
