If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
