think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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