Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just gargled with NyQuil
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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