I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
