i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
