Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I use my feet as sexual weapons
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
