my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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