Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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