Capitaan dildo arrescate!
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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