But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
