just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
