i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
