I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
