We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
