If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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