When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
