so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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